Wayside chapel

This is to provide some comic relief...You just can't stop laughing for every single sentence in the letter below.

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster

The Woman fainted reading the reply!!!!...

Inside out

"I am a bundle of contradictions." In fact, I am not! But when my close friends accuse me, I can't help but ponder. What is the basis for their claims? I wanted to find out. When I should have been looking within, I simply went around town with a pitiable look asking everyone that crossed my path: "What do you think about me?"

Each one had their own share of abuses and praises. One half of the sample went overboard with remarks like - careless, rude, brutish, opportunistic, plastic, populist, pig headed, porous, and what not. I realized from their grumbling that even if u are a genie in a bottle they would complain. Though I had inkling about my reputation, it came as a rude shock to me that some of the comments were acrimonious.

A sling of abusives sent my confidence level dipping. If not for the other benevolent half, I would have been buried live in a heap of abrasives. The 'esteemeter' slowly began to look up and soared to its zenith only when heavenly words like friendly, caring, chivalrous, popular, smart, intelligent, hep, cool, and more fell on my ears. It was certainly music to my ears, I must admit. But this poll did little to help me attain my objectives. I was sitting on a truck load of responses that did anything but clarify my position.

Curious that I was, I did not stop with my friends circle. The perceived existence of this dualism had started showing up on my behavior to such an extent that my parents began to wonder what happened to their happy-go-lucky son. I thought they will be the perfect people to ask. Who else but parents know their children inside out? After all they have watched you closely during every stage of growth. I wondered why I did not think about this earlier.

When I approached them, they had a "come on sonny! we know what you want" look. So, without much beating around the bush, I got down to business. In less than half an hour, I was a transformed man. At least, they thought I was. The moment I asked dad and mum "where do I need to improve", they pounced on me like hungry lions. From brushing teeth to spreading bed, they had a piece of advice for me on one thing or another. "Not this time dad, I protested." "Mama, at least you should refrain, I pleaded." No, they would have none of it.

I felt like a politician who went to the public asking their opinion about his image. If only our corporate head honchos are like parents, I thought. Parents admonish you and raise the bar every time, but protect and praise you in front of others. Isn't it just the opposite with our managers?

Here I was, completely drained and desperate, but enlightened that one should never take parents for granted. When I walked away from them tired and lost, my consciousness betrayed me and I tripped over the imperfections and glitches strewn in my path. The next minute I was rolling down the stairs screaming for help and reaching out for something to arrest the fall. But the bottomless pit continued to suck me into the abyss. My voice conked out and hearing failed. The gushing wind stripped me to flesh and bones, and I sensed that my end was near. As I closed my eyes in retreat, a faint light emerged from the bottom and held me in her arms. Before I gathered my wits to ask "who she was", the angel replied: "I am your conscience. I am here to help you. Ask me and you shall find your way out." I was overcome with profound emotion - a mix of happiness, sorrow, satisfaction, shame, and realization. It dawned on me that I should have looked within much earlier. I had knocked on every possible door and turned every stone. But I had failed to understand that the power lies within...

On a lighter vein

"I spik inglis"

There's not doubt that universal language has universal appeal and flavor. Errr..., if you are new flavor, then click the link below:

http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/foreign-signs.html

What women wants?

Time pass... [no that's not the answer ;-)]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is given below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you take a look.
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Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?
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look further
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The moral is.....If you don't let a woman have her own way....


Things are going to get ugly!

Beyond the line of control...

When we first met, there were fireworks all around... literally! I had blown my top off when the luggage you carelessly shoved under the seat had ruptured the skin on my feet. The flames of bitterness were fuelled further when you feigned ignorance and refused to apologise. Had your father not intervened that day, this post would never have materialized. That was not a dream finish I would have liked as an occasional visitor to Kerala; also, because I was already feeling nostalgic after visiting my grandma. More than the wound itself, the lack of acquiescence hurt. I decided that we will never talk again. But I failed to understand that a deeper force within was plotting against me. Today, when I look back, I feel ecstatic about the way our friendship has blossomed.

During the train journey, the infantile fight apart, I sensed gentleness and warmth in your actions. The initial unpleasant experience faded quicker than I thought. I began to look for ways to get closer to you, without your knowledge, of course! Then came Vimla like an angel at the next railway junction. She was talkative and friendly. Soon she became the bridge between you and me. I still remember our playful arguments and how you would use her as a mediator to talk to me.

There is something very special about you. I like your childish behavior and mature thinking - I had noticed with excitement how your eyes would sparkle at the mention of 'Mickey' or 'Tweety'; in the same breath, you would speak volumes about life and relationships.

I didn’t believe our acquaintance would last beyond the train journey. We exchanged numbers. I was very happy to get the first SMS you had sent out to thank us for making your journey pleasant. But the message sounded more like ‘good bye’. For about a week or so later, I would impatiently wait for a message or phone call from you, until I decided to call you one day. Your voice was sweet and warm. I had a hundred things to tell you; but, when I heard your ‘hello’, I began to fumble; there was a lump in my throat. All I managed to get across was a confident ‘bye’, very much relieved that I didn’t make a fool out of myself. In retrospect, I began to wonder if your gentleness had an overwhelming influence on me. I was to be proved wrong again.

A few SMSs later, your calls started pouring in more frequently. You would call me up from office. After getting five or six calls, if I didn’t return one, you would tease me and call me names. During these calls, you would tell me about your friends, fans, crushes, colleagues, relatives, parents, brother… you had something new to tell every day. Sometimes, our calls would extend beyond office hours. On couple of such occasions I have had to spin stories at home, painstakingly explaining who had kept me on tenterhooks for such a long time. My parents would not believe me. To rub salt on my wounds, you would play all sorts of pranks like making crank calls and sending silly SMSs.

You have a pride of place in my heart, especially because of your tensile nature. Initially it would surprise me that you could get tensed at the drop of a hat – for getting calls, not getting calls, talking, not talking, staring, smiling, gifting, listening, riding bikes, on dimly lit roads… there was not a minute when you were relaxed. It took me some time to realize that this is how you told your friends ‘how much you cared’. Others would dismiss this as rather outrageous. But I know you are simply being yourself. And believe me, that is not easy.

You are a great stabilizer and neutralizer. In times of mood swings, I have found you are a great passage for my emotional outbursts and volcanic eruptions. At times, with great maturity you would give me reassurance; at other times, like a kid you would play with me to ease my nerves. Always, you have stood by me like a rock.

The best part of our friendship is that we have never let the flickers of our first meeting to die out; I mean those verbal duals. You are a perfect foil for my grand ego. I love you for accepting me as I am.

At the dawn of our friendship, your garrulousness had brought me closer to you. Now, we enjoy silence and stillness. Our relationship has matured over time. I think about your genuineness quite often and feel happy that I came across you. Though you don’t visit me even in my dreams, I take pleasure in the fact that you touch my life in more ways than one… most importantly, as a friend.

Humor in a capsule

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright: All those who believe in Telekinesis, raise my hand.

a.. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
b.. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
c.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
d.. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
e.. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
f.. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
g.. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
h.. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
i.. I intend to live forever, so far so good.
j.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
k.. 24 hours in a day... 24 cans of beer in a case... coincidence?
l.. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
m.. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
n.. I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
o.. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
p.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
q.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
r.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
s.. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
t.. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
u.. The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
v.. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
w.. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
x.. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
y.. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
z.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
aa.. A fool and his money are soon partying.
ab.. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
ac.. If you think nobody cares about you, trying missing a couple of payments.
ad.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
ae.. Only borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect to get it back.