Humor in a capsule

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright: All those who believe in Telekinesis, raise my hand.

a.. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
b.. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
c.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
d.. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
e.. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
f.. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
g.. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
h.. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
i.. I intend to live forever, so far so good.
j.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
k.. 24 hours in a day... 24 cans of beer in a case... coincidence?
l.. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
m.. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
n.. I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
o.. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
p.. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
q.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
r.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
s.. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
t.. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
u.. The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
v.. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
w.. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
x.. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
y.. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
z.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
aa.. A fool and his money are soon partying.
ab.. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
ac.. If you think nobody cares about you, trying missing a couple of payments.
ad.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
ae.. Only borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect to get it back.