Inside out

"I am a bundle of contradictions." In fact, I am not! But when my close friends accuse me, I can't help but ponder. What is the basis for their claims? I wanted to find out. When I should have been looking within, I simply went around town with a pitiable look asking everyone that crossed my path: "What do you think about me?"

Each one had their own share of abuses and praises. One half of the sample went overboard with remarks like - careless, rude, brutish, opportunistic, plastic, populist, pig headed, porous, and what not. I realized from their grumbling that even if u are a genie in a bottle they would complain. Though I had inkling about my reputation, it came as a rude shock to me that some of the comments were acrimonious.

A sling of abusives sent my confidence level dipping. If not for the other benevolent half, I would have been buried live in a heap of abrasives. The 'esteemeter' slowly began to look up and soared to its zenith only when heavenly words like friendly, caring, chivalrous, popular, smart, intelligent, hep, cool, and more fell on my ears. It was certainly music to my ears, I must admit. But this poll did little to help me attain my objectives. I was sitting on a truck load of responses that did anything but clarify my position.

Curious that I was, I did not stop with my friends circle. The perceived existence of this dualism had started showing up on my behavior to such an extent that my parents began to wonder what happened to their happy-go-lucky son. I thought they will be the perfect people to ask. Who else but parents know their children inside out? After all they have watched you closely during every stage of growth. I wondered why I did not think about this earlier.

When I approached them, they had a "come on sonny! we know what you want" look. So, without much beating around the bush, I got down to business. In less than half an hour, I was a transformed man. At least, they thought I was. The moment I asked dad and mum "where do I need to improve", they pounced on me like hungry lions. From brushing teeth to spreading bed, they had a piece of advice for me on one thing or another. "Not this time dad, I protested." "Mama, at least you should refrain, I pleaded." No, they would have none of it.

I felt like a politician who went to the public asking their opinion about his image. If only our corporate head honchos are like parents, I thought. Parents admonish you and raise the bar every time, but protect and praise you in front of others. Isn't it just the opposite with our managers?

Here I was, completely drained and desperate, but enlightened that one should never take parents for granted. When I walked away from them tired and lost, my consciousness betrayed me and I tripped over the imperfections and glitches strewn in my path. The next minute I was rolling down the stairs screaming for help and reaching out for something to arrest the fall. But the bottomless pit continued to suck me into the abyss. My voice conked out and hearing failed. The gushing wind stripped me to flesh and bones, and I sensed that my end was near. As I closed my eyes in retreat, a faint light emerged from the bottom and held me in her arms. Before I gathered my wits to ask "who she was", the angel replied: "I am your conscience. I am here to help you. Ask me and you shall find your way out." I was overcome with profound emotion - a mix of happiness, sorrow, satisfaction, shame, and realization. It dawned on me that I should have looked within much earlier. I had knocked on every possible door and turned every stone. But I had failed to understand that the power lies within...